Guiding Child Behaviors: What are your options?

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Parents have two main responsibilities. First, to make sure kids stay safe and second, to teach them the skills they need to be independent individuals as they grow older. We always need to make sure kids are safe, but we don’t need to be teaching new skills all of the time. Being a kid is hard! They live in a world where they are constantly told what to do and most of their everyday tasks feel out of their control. Keeping this in mind can actually help you give your child more freedom, which will help them be even more independent. It’s all about picking and choosing how to direct their behavior.

Direct Instructions
Direct instructions or commands are important when we need a child to do something in order to stay safe. They can also be helpful when you are in a time crunch and need your child to listen immediately. Direct instructions are said in a clear manner that leaves no confusion about what is expected. They are shared in a calm tone and typically include an explanation first, which makes kids more open to listening. Keep in mind that direct instructions are the most demanding way of guiding behavior, so you want to use them sparingly. This ensures your direct instructions keep their value.

[It looks like you’re finished.] Please put your dishes in the sink.
[Your sister was using that toy.] Give your sister the toy.
Make sure you flush the toilet before you leave the bathroom.

Indirect Instructions
Indirect instructions tell your child what you would like them to do without a direct tone that requires it. Most of the time, kids will follow these directions, especially if they are presented in a calm and supportive manner. Again, indirect instructions work best when an explanation is given first. Remember that indirect instructions give a choice to follow through and are essentially an invitation to follow your lead, so if you absolutely need your child to listen, use a direct instruction instead.
 

Would you put your dishes in the sink?
Let’s give your sister the toy.
Flush the toilet before you leave the bathroom, ok?

Informational Statements
Informational statements are the most underused and undervalued of all ways of guiding behavior. However, they can be the most effective. Informational statements give kids an idea of what the expectations are, without requiring them to do anything. When we take the pressure off, kids often want to follow through because it feels like they are making an independent choice to do so. An important note: informational statements do not change based on a child’s behavior. This can be helpful for parents who are looking to stay calm. Instead of focusing on your child’s behavior, focus on the task, activity, characteristics of the situation.
 

When you’re done eating, dishes go in the sink.
That’s your sister’s toy.
The toilet needs to be flushed.

By sprinkling in a mix of informational statements, indirect commands, and direct instructions, you help your child to hear the difference when you truly need them to listen. You may also find that informational statements help you shy away from giving direct instructions at all. I challenge you to this: try to use only informational statements to guide your child through their morning routine. This potentially helps your child start the day at school more calm. Below are some ideas of how you might do that:

It’s time for school.
Your toothbrush is ready in the bathroom.
Your pajamas go in the hamper.
Your clothes for today are laid on your bed.
I can help brush your hair.
I’ll be in the kitchen when you’re ready for breakfast.
Here’s your vitamins.
Dishes go in the sink.
Your shoes and backpack are at the door.
I’m leaving the apartment at 7:35. You’ll need your shoes, jacket, and mask on.

If you’re looking for support to help manage behaviors at home, reach out to our team for a consultation call.