Helping Kids Develop Positive Self-Talk

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Parents often wonder how to effectively promote socio-emotional resilience and high self-esteem in their children. In a world where we frequently compare ourselves to others or are being compared by others, it’s easy to feel confident about one ability while feeling discouraged about another. As normal as it is to have these experiences, parents often wonder, how can I instill and promote my child’s positive self-talk, which influences their resilience and self-esteem? How can I teach my child to keep moving forward even in the face of difficult obstacles?

When thinking about facilitating your child’s positive self-talk, consider the importance of language. It’s essential to be mindful of the words we use with our children, how we express those words (e.g, tone), and what nonverbal messages we are conveying our children.

The first step in understanding the importance of language is to consider what types of behaviors we are frequently commenting on. It can be easier to notice undesirable behaviors, such as running around the house, taking a while to eat dinner, or slowly getting dressed in the morning. We often draw attention to what’s wrong in front of us because we want it to stop occurring, rather than noticing a positive within a negative or searching for the positive at all. While a very natural inclination, unfortunately, this tendency results in children hearing more criticism than praise. Hearing negative feedback from others impacts how they speak to themselves and their subsequent resilience and self-esteem. Here are some tips as to how to shift our language and way of thinking to promote positive self-talk in our children.

Notice your child being good: Oftentimes, when a child is sitting by themselves playing nicely, or quickly gets dressed in the morning without a fuss, we think to be as still as possible to not mess up a good thing. As natural as this tendency is, by not calling attention to the good, we are actually decreasing the likelihood it will occur again. Drawing attention to a positive can be a simple gesture, such as, “great job getting dressed this morning” or “you’re playing by yourself so nicely!” By bringing positive attention to adaptive behaviors, we are making it more likely that they will continue overtime. 

Be specific with your praise:  Unspecific praise, such as “that’s great!” or “that’s awesome!” is in no way harming a child, but it’s not providing them with specific clues as to what is awesome, or what quality about them is great. In order to grow more behaviors that we want to see, it’s essential to draw attention to the specifics. For example, it’s great you worked so hard on that math problem. 

Be thoughtful of your nonverbal communication:  Consider your tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language.  Children notice these characteristics and can be hyper-sensitive to slight sarcasm or an ingenuine comment, which will influence how they speak to themselves or feel about themselves. 

Model how to acknowledge and apologize for your own mistakes. Did you say something you didn’t mean, or lose your temper? That’s understandable, it happens to all of us. The learning experience that comes from those moments is how we recover, reconnect and discuss our own mistakes. Through modeling how to reconnect after mistakes, we are providing children with a blueprint about navigating their own errors. An example as to how to revisit after difficult moments could be something like this, I was really upset yesterday, and I shouldn’t have yelled at you. In the future, I will take a few deep breaths before responding when I feel myself losing control.