The Power of Reflection: Slowing Down and Listening

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When we think about a dysregulated child, particularly one with a vulnerability to feel anxious or to have difficulty regulating their attention, it can often feel that their emotions and behaviors can go from 0 to 100 when having a difficult conversation. Our initial instinct during these conversations often begins with gathering information and the way we are most comfortable gathering information is by asking questions. However, when a child is already experiencing a strong emotion, or in the intensification period of emotion dysregulation, questions can push them further into their “peak” dysregulated state. One way we can intervene is by using reflection. Using reflections during these moments helps your child to slow down their own thoughts and big feelings while also allowing them to feel heard by letting them know that you’re listening to them.

Reflections are repetitions of what your child has just said. This can be a verbatim repeating of what they have shared or a summary. They help your child know you understand their perspective because you are showing them that you are listening. For children that have a difficult time organizing or managing their thoughts and feelings during difficult moments, reflections also serve as a way to help slow them down while also helping them to feel supported.

Many parents are surprised to find out that reflecting back a statement to their child usually gets the same information that asking a follow up question would. In fact, it often gives kids a chance to open up and share more. We take the pressure off and they suddenly feel more comfortable to share independently. 

For example, if you were having a discussion with your child regarding an upcoming holiday event they didn’t want to go to and they said, “Mom I just really don’t want to go. I’m going to hate it!”

1. You could reflect: “You really don’t want to go to the party because you don’t think you’ll have a good time.” The child would likely follow with, “Yeah and… (it’s all adults/last year it was so boring/etc.)”
   

2. You could ask a question: “Why don’t you want to go?” You would likely get the same answer as reflecting. However, asking the question in this situation doesn’t allow the child the opportunity to feel that you were trying to understand their perspective. Additionally,, if the child was already feeling dysregulated, trying to asking questions, while well intended, could lead to further intensification of the emotion.

Reflecting during difficult conversations doesn’t mean you have to change your expectations or that your child doesn’t still end up having to do the task that they don’t want to do. Reflecting helps to show your child that you are listening and that you understand their perspective. It also helps to slow down the conversation and the intensification of big emotions that often comes with difficult conversations.

Additional examples of reflections include:

Child: “You never let me do what I want. You’re the worst parent ever.”

Parent: “You feel like you don’t have a lot of say in this decision and you’re not happy with me right now.”

Child: “Nothing you say will make me change my mind!”

Parent: “You’re letting me know that you feel really strongly about this.”

Let us know how reflections work for you and your family. See if you can challenge yourself to have an entire conversation with your child using only reflections. It’s amazing to see what they will share and how little you have to prompt to truly connect. Good luck!