Too often we hear parents say, “Her tantrum came out of nowhere!” or, “One minute he was fine, and then suddenly he started kicking his brother!” While big reactions may seem like they are occurring out of the blue, most of the time there is more to the picture. Undesired, stressful experiences build up until eventually, the child feels they cannot handle the discomfort and they explode. These ‘tense’ experiences could have just occurred within the same hour or immediately before a big reaction occurred, or they could have been building up from the whole day/week (kind of like a snowball effect).

As parents, it is hard to see your child experiencing difficulty or having a tantrum. You may wish that you can just make them stop. While in the moment, it is difficult to calm your child down, there are so many ways for parents to prevent some tantrums and big reactions from occurring in the first place.

Children’s emotions typically follow a curve. They are calm, until something triggers them and their emotions intensify. If the child is unable to cope with their feelings, they reach a peak emotion, which is typically when we would see them hit, yell, kick, or cry. Sometimes, it feels like you are looking at a child you do not recognize during these peak emotions. These are often the moments that adults want to react and teach. We see a problem and we want to fix it. However, this is actually the worst time to help your children grow. Eventually, the child de-escalates and begins to calm down. Once they calm enough, they are better able to learn for next time.

During each stage of this curve, parents can react differently in order to minimize the size of the child’s reaction and alleviate emotional stress. In order to find what triggers big reactions in a child, parents need to be detectives.

1. Identify what your child’s baseline, or calm emotional state looks like. How do you know they are calm and comfortable? Point out the moments they are effectively staying calm in the face of stressors or unexpected situations.

2. Know your child’s triggers.
What are some things that trigger your child? For some children, going to big family gatherings can be overwhelming and cause stress levels to rise. For other children, being told too many directions at once can be stressful and cause emotion levels to rise.

Be conscious of what makes your child tick. When you are aware of the triggers, you will be better equipped to prevent big reactions.

3. Look for warning signs.
Does your child get quiet right before a big reaction? Do they start to rub their hands together or does their tone of voice change? Pay attention to what signs tell you your child is starting to have a hard time. The more you can notice these warning signs, the better you can communicate them to your child. This will help you both in catching big feelings more they grow too big to manage.

4. Identify what peak emotions look like.
Notice what tells you your child is unable to reason. These are the moments your child is too dysregulated to listen to anything you say or apply any coping skills. You are not doing anything wrong if your child does not respond to your support in these moments. Any attempt at reasoning or teaching your child will be ineffective because they are too emotionally charged to receive feedback. This may even deepen the stress of the emotional experience for you both. Instead, keep your child safe and let them know you are there for them, without placing increased demands on your child.

5. Identify what de-escalation looks like.
What are some signs that your child is calming down? What are some techniques they use to calm down? Are they starting to lower their voice or stop crying? Does their body look steady and calm?

To de-escalate, some children benefit from taking a 5 minute break, going into a separate room and relaxing in a quiet space. Once your child is calm enough, you can revisit the situation to learn for next time. Recognize your own flaws and ask for feedback in how you can be more helpful next time. This takes the pressure off of the child that they did something “wrong” and instead teaches them that you are a team who can handle big feelings together.

While children’s big, undesired behaviors and reactions may seem to occur out of nowhere, there are typically triggers. Being aware of your child’s triggers, warning signs of dysregulation, and what their behavior looks like at each emotional stage will make you better equipped to support them through big feelings. Always keep in mind: each emotional experience is a learning opportunity for you and your child. It gives you insights to try something new and if it doesn’t work, reapproach the situation differently next time. We are all learning as we go along!

If you are having difficulty identifying these emotions or coming up with effective strategies to best support your child’s emotional needs, reach out to our team for support.