Modeling Emotion Regulation for Ourselves and our Kids

Parents don’t like to see kids experiencing distress and no one likes to feel uncomfortable, kids or adults! As a society, we tend to value problem-solving. Especially as a parent, the instinct is to jump in and help our kids solve a distressing emotion or experience. This instinct actually saves us from feeling distressed and, while it is well intended, deprives our child of an opportunity to develop emotion regulation strategies. Modeling, or vicarious learning, is an extremely effective way to help children learn skills and strategies for regulating their big emotions. 

During tough emotional moments with kids of all ages, stopping to validate and connect can be beneficial. For example, “I know you’re feeling nervous about leaving for camp and I am confident that you can handle it.” We can take this a step further by labeling our emotions out loud for our kids as we are experiencing them. This is useful both in reflecting on your past experiences and in the moment while interacting with your kiddos. For example, while riding in the car or making dinner this could sound like, “I was really nervous for a presentation that I had this morning. I didn’t feel great about the way I shared the information and I know what to change now for the next one.” During a difficult moment, this might sound like, “I see you’re frustrated with me right now. I am also feeling a bit frustrated that we cannot agree on a choice. What do you think a compromise might be?”

There are a few important steps to keep in mind when we are modeling our emotional experience:

1. Label your emotion: Using an emotion word helps expand your child’s emotional vocabulary and sets the stage for a learning opportunity.
   
   “I am feeling frustrated that you it’s late and your homework isn’t finished yet.”
   
   “I have a big meeting coming up and I’m feeling nervous about having to speak in front of everyone.”
   
   

2. Talk through your problem-solving process: Emotions are normal and all feelings are valid. Talking through your problem-solving process helps show your child that whatever emotion they are experiencing is okay and provides them with examples of how to work through what they are feeling.
   
   “I am feeling frustrated with how this conversation is going. I am going to walk away and take some space so that I can calm down.”
   
   “It is difficult for me to see you upset. I am going to try some deep breaths to help me get through this moment.”
   
   “My coworker did not finish their part of our project. I’m feeling annoyed and disappointed. I know I could get upset with them for not doing their part but I’m going to reach out and ask if I can do anything to help them out.”
   
   

3. Embrace your own mistakes and highlight what you learned from them: It is always easier to ignore an uncomfortable emotion or try to forget about the way a situation was handled. While this strategy can be helpful in the moment, this avoidance neglects the opportunity to learn from our mistakes. Part of regulating our emotions involves accepting that no one is perfect and developing the skills needed to cope with the times we make a mistake. We want children to learn to successfully deal with stressful situations, including the moments where they are not “perfect.”
   
   “I recognize that I could have handled that conversation better. I was frustrated and lost my cool. I’d like to try again.”
   
   “My fear got the best of me earlier and I yelled at you. I’m working on telling you when I’m scared because sometimes my fear looks like I’m angry.”
   
   

4. Identify when you are feeling challenged or outside of your comfort zone: Many kids find it difficult to try new things or do something that scares them. By modeling for them the way we experience this feeling and the way that we navigate it, we are helping them to develop the capacity to do this themselves. So, if you find discomfort in the unknown and tend to plan every second of a family outing, take a chance and leave a 30-minute exploration window. See what is around and what you can do with that unscheduled time. Note your internal struggle for yourself and your child.
   
   “Going to a new place without a plan is hard for me. I’m trying to learn to go with the flow because I know I can’t plan everything.”
   
   “I forgot to bring wipes. I usually have everything prepared. I feel really overwhelmed right now and I need a minute to calm down.”
   
   

5. Be intentional: When first trying out this strategy, intentionally choose moments to model emotion regulation for your child ahead of time. If it doesn’t go the way that you expected, share that with your child!
   
   “I’m trying to talk about my emotions right now and it’s really hard. I’m going to try that again.”
   
   “Today at the park, I’m going to practice deep breaths when I feel nervous. If you see me stepping away, that’s why.”
    

The best way to teach emotion regulation is to model it! If your child struggles with emotion regulation, reach out to our team for a complimentary consultation call.