Managing Separation Anxiety in the New School Year
It’s natural and appropriate for all young children to feel separation anxiety while separating from their caregivers. Children long to be close to their caregivers and separating from them threatens their sense of security, which creates feelings of worry and distress. For some kiddos, the distress of separating from their caregiver becomes more severe, which can interfere with daily life. Often, this leaves caregivers feeling low on options and overwhelmed. Navigating separation anxiety is a balancing act of managing the child’s desire to be close while providing encouragement towards independence.
What are the Specific Signs of Separation Anxiety?
The symptoms of separation anxiety can take many different forms depending on the child. Generally, separation anxiety begins in children as young as 8 months old, following the development of object permanence. This is when children realize people and things exist even when they are not physically present. Separation anxiety can be developmentally appropriate in children up to 2.5 years old. However, if the behaviors around separation are becoming difficult to manage, it may be a sign that more help is needed. These symptoms may be: refusing to sleep alone, worries about being away from home, refusing to go to school, consistent stomach aches, headaches or nausea, and temper tantrums. Although a child’s reaction to separation can be overwhelming for the caregiver, it’s important to remain calm during these moments and remember this is an emotional reaction and not the child’s choice. The goal is to support kids through the anxiety and create trust that caregivers will always come back.
Guidelines for Navigating Separation Anxiety:
Follow Through. When you leave the room, tell your child you are coming back, then follow through with this action (i.e., always come back). Consistently saying that you are leaving, will come back, and following through on your statement builds trust within the relationship and assists in reducing feelings of separation anxiety. Further, if leaving for extended time, be specific with the return time, in terms a child would understand, such as, “I’ll be home after your nap.”
Avoid Distracting while Leaving. Caregivers often have another person distract their child while they are leaving in order to decrease the likelihood of a tantrum, crying or another undesirable reaction. However, this approach is counter-productive as it creates greater uncertainty for an already anxious child.
Practice Separations. Begin with short separations with adults your child knows, such as with a relative. Starting with smaller separations with known and trusted adults creates a lower-stress separation for your child. If you notice your child is struggling with separation anxiety prior to preschool, practice brief separations with relatives once or twice during each weekend to prepare them for their upcoming school year.
Keep Goodbyes Brief. Prolonged goodbyes increase the anxiety before leaving (for both kids and parents!). It also results in children holding on to the possibility that parents will stay, which often results in more emotional goodbyes. These goodbyes make it difficult for parents to leave as the anxiety/guilt/sadness has growing. Instead of long goodbyes, create a short ritual for leaving. Having a brief ritual shows your child confidence in the leaving process and creates predictability.
A short ritual would be: Tell your child that you are leaving and that you will return, give them a brief hug or kiss, and then leave. Maybe you even have a secret handshake that signifies a separation.Provide Comfort. Providing comfort may take multiple forms. First, it may be validation of a child’s anxious emotions. Noticing that your child is having a hard time (ex. “It’s tricky to be without me”) shows that you understand and are accepting of your child, despite the difficult experience. Second, a comfort object can provide reassurance that you remain connected, even if you are not physically present. Allow your child to take a comfort object to school, just be mindful of what is appropriate for the school building. Rather than a stuffed animal or doll, wear matching string bracelets or draw a heart on your inner wrist so you are always “together” theoretically.
As we begin to navigate the return to school, be mindful of separations with your child. Practice regularly, making separation a part of your everyday routine. Validate their fears, yet show that they will be ok. Have discussions with your child about what comfort objects may help them face the transition to school. Most of all, be honest and open about school transitions because some separation anxiety is a typical response in the beginning of a school year, especially in light of the pandemic.
If you believe separation anxiety has become too difficult to manage on your own, reach out to our team for a complimentary consultation call.