Recognizing Anxiety in Kids
Anxiety is like an internal smoke detector, but instead of only going off when there is smoke, it sets off many false alarms. For some people, their smoke detector goes off when danger is present and they need to stay safe. They can then reset their smoke detector and face the anxiety relatively quickly. Other people experience frequent false alarms and have difficulty resetting. Imagine a smoke detector that goes off each time you use the toaster or microwave. Some alarms go off easier than others and it works the same way across people.
Anxiety or Something Else?
Anxiety symptoms can take many forms and vary between individuals. It can be tricky to understand what is causing a certain behavior and it can be especially difficult to know why a behavior is occurring when the person does not know their behavior is fueled by anxiety. This is particularly true in children who often cannot yet developmentally understand what may be underlying their behaviors and/or do not have the language yet to describe it. Instead, anxious behaviors might look like something else.
“She’s always trying to push my buttons.”
Kiddos can be masterful at pushing buttons. Like any relationship, parents and kids alike become aware of what might “set off” the other. It is common for parents to attribute certain behaviors to defiance or their child knowing how to push buttons. This may be exactly how it feels but, in some cases, this assumption may be misattributed.
Anxiety often causes us to act irrationally. It can seem like there is no rhyme or reason for a child insisting she needs to brush her teeth four times a day except to make you late to work every morning. These irrational behaviors can be confused with moments of defiance rather than moments of anxiety. These moments may even feel irrational to the child, but the behavior is actually serving to relieve their distress in the moment. This relief can look like engaging in additional behaviors or avoiding certain behaviors altogether.
“We are walking on eggshells, he is so irritable all the time.”
A common symptom of anxiety can be irritability. In kids, this often presents as temper tantrums. We hear parents concerned that everything feels like a battle. It is common for anxious kiddos to be described as uncooperative or easily frustrated. These behaviors can be confused with the underlying low levels of frustration tolerance of the child due to increased anxiety. Tolerating the anxiety feels “too hard” or even impossible and so giving up or fighting back is actually easier than facing the uncomfortable feelings that come along with anxiety.
“He asks me the same question over and over again.”
A core component of anxiety is managing the disconnect between what is and is not within our control. We sometimes refer to anxiety as the fear of uncertainty. When things we cannot control cause us to feel distressed, our instinct is often to try to control everything we possibly can.
For the most part, children are dependent on their parents and other adults in their lives. It is common for anxious children to seek assurance from the adults in their lives regarding basic information. This usually looks like a child who needs multiple confirmations that you will be in the same spot you are every day after school to pick them up. What can feel like constant nagging can be confused with a kiddo trying to manage the discomfort that uncertainty causes them. Each time they receive confirmation of the expected, the anxiety dips for a short time. That amount of time varies based on each individual child.
Typical vs. Atypical Anxiety
Anxiety is important and helps to keep us safe! Everyone experiences some level of anxiety and certain levels of anxiety help us to be more successful in our day-to-day lives. It is common to see several typical fears pop-up throughout a child’s development. Most of these fears are a normal part of growing up!
Examples of typical anxiety in preschool aged children include fear of the dark, sleeping alone, separation, and specific fears including dogs or bugs. We often hear: “He won’t go into his room unless the lights are turned on.”
In the early elementary years, common worries include fear of pretend things such as monsters under the bed or ghosts in the attic. We often hear: “I have to check for monsters in her closet every night before bed.”
By late elementary, it is common to be fearful of real-life danger including fear of heights, needles, or storms. We often hear: “They kick and scream the whole way to the doctor’s office” or “He asked if the plane was going to crash every five minutes.”
Anxiety is an important survival function because it keeps us safe from danger. However, clinically significant levels of anxiety are evaluated through a combination of variables including duration, frequency, and level of impairment or interference. If you believe your child may be suffering from persistent anxiety that is limiting their ability to participate in daily activities, reach out to our team for a complimentary consultation call.