MythBusters: Positive Parenting

Positive parenting programs have a large and meaningful evidence-base for helping parents manage problem behaviors. However, positive parenting is not widely understood by parents. Many parents assume that positive parenting means kids can do no wrong and that we reward them anyway. In fact, positive parenting is quite different. Positive parenting actually involves relationship building, using parental attention effectively, giving kids independence, using discipline appropriately, and providing a safe, secure, and consistent environment. Once parents understand what positive parenting really is, skepticism tends to dissipate. 

Myth: Positive parenting rewards everything
Positive attention and strategic attention are used to build confidence and skills in kids within a reinforcing environment. Rather than using bribery, which provides kids with rewards before a behavior occurs, pParents are taught how to use attention skills appropriately to help kids gain confidence in their ability to problem solve and face the difficulties within their day. Rather than using bribery, which provides kids with rewards before a behavior occurs. Material rewards are used sparingly to reinforce behaviors parents want to see more of, yet are more challenging for kids to do, and are given after kids have shown the positive behavior. Alongside Beside this, parents will typically validate feelings and note positive behaviors to then extend those positive behaviors either for longer periods of time or across settings.

Myth: Positive parenting does not use discipline
All positive parenting programs utilize discipline in a thoughtful, consistent way. What positive parenting does not encourage is empty threats and extreme, unexpected consequences. Instead, discipline is typically introduced following relationship-building, as trust and support within a parent-child relationship makes discipline more effective. Consistency in limit setting helps families build reasonable boundaries that are expected by parents and kids, so there are and no surprises and instead, kids feel secure. Positive parenting emphasizes the importance of following through on discipline to build on trust in a natural way.

 Myth: Positive parenting is permissive parenting
Permissive parenting means that you respond to your child but inconsistently and without boundaries. Permissive parents often give kids the control by allowing kids to dictate what they do and when. Positive parenting teaches parents to respond to their children with consistency and boundaries, while building up their strengths. This helps children feel safe and secure since they know what to expect and typically when to expect it, even if they do not like what will happen. This sense of security helps children to regulate and helps parents respond more calmly. Over time and with consistency, kids will , as kids become confident in accepting known responses and parents become more confident in fluently and automatically giving known responses.

Myth: Positive parenting values being your child’s friend
Positive parenting values helping kids feel confident and safe in their environment. While kids will learn independence from gaining some control and making certain choices within their day, parents are ultimately in charge. Parents make the important decisions around schedules, screen time, bedtime, and school. This provides a consistent framework for kids to follow. Again, coming back to the idea of clear expectations that build safety. However, kids are given autonomy in leading certain parts of the day, such as playtime. They are also given reasonable choices to make them feel included, such as which snack they want at snack time or which shirt they would like to wear among a few choices. Including kids in smaller decisions will lead to increased acceptance of direction from parents, when it’s needed, while building independence.

Myth: Only certain kids need positive parenting.
Positive parenting is a form of prevention. It shows kids that they are supported and loved, even when they make mistakes or have difficult moments. Parents learn to proactively prepare for misbehavior and, as a result, can calmly respond in those moments. When parents utilize positive parenting techniques from the start, they typically spend less time dealing with problems and reacting, and spend more time enjoying their kids. We believe that positive parenting techniques should be not only available to all parents, but required learning to support early childhood development.

Myth: All positive parenting programs are created equal
When looking for a positive parenting program, not all positive parenting programs are created equal, particularly if you are managing more problematic behaviors at home. Look for relationship building first, followed by the inclusion of discipline techniques. While it is challenging to push off the discipline techniques that feel so important in times of stress, relationship building promotes positive behaviors in kids, which then results in fewer moments when discipline is needed. If you are looking for treatment , the most effective treatment program for young children (2.5-7 years old) is parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT). This program not only teaches positive parenting techniques, but provides live coaching to ensure parents use them correctly. For young children, the Incredible Years and Triple P, and for older children, the Kazdin Parent Management Training program are also highly effective.