Giving Good Directions to Kids: It’s Harder than it Sounds!
There are many moments throughout the day that require giving directions to kids. Parents need to make sure kids are safe, help them transition between activities, and ensure daily tasks are completed. If you feel like you are constantly giving orders to no avail, take a step back and take a deep breath. When you calm yourself, you will be able to reset because let’s face it, giving directions that no one listens to is frustrating! The way we say directions or instructions matters and we want to make sure we are setting both ourselves and our kids up for success.
Guidelines for clear directions:
1. Be direct. You want to make sure your child knows exactly what the expectation is and what they need to do. There should be no question whether or not they have to listen to what you’ve said. Often, we fall into “can you ____?” or “_____, ok?” When we give a direction in these indirect ways, we introduce choice. If a child responds with “no,” they are not wrong, they just chose the option you were not hoping for. If there is no choice involved, make sure that is clear with direct instructions.
Please put your clothes in the hamper. (direct)
Could you please put your clothes in the hamper? (indirect)
It’s almost time for school. You need to make your bed. (direct)
It’s almost time or school. Make your bed, ok? (indirect)
2. Tell them what to do, rather than what not to do. As humans, our automatic is to notice what is in front of us. When we see a problem behavior, it screams out to us and we want to fix it. Without thinking, the way to fix it often sounds like: “stop ___” or “don’t ____.” However, the way to fix behavior is really to share what behavior you want your child to do instead. This requires an extra step where you consider either the positive opposite of the problem behavior or an incompatible behavior that can’t occur with the problem behavior. Telling kids what to do allows for teaching moments by taking the guesswork out of what you want, all while taking away a degree of negativity.
Don’t hit your sister. (negative)
Keep your hands to yourself. (positive)
It’s time for dinner. Stop running around the kitchen! (negative)
It’s time for dinner. Please sit in your chair. (positive)
3. Use a calm tone. When it feels like you’re repeating yourself and your child is not listening, many of us fall into a raised voice or negative tone. This can seem threatening and also can create a cycle where kids only listen when parents get to a certain point, which tells kids that they are finally serious. Instead, we want to teach kids to listen to directions when they are given politely and respectively, just like they will be given in school. Imagine you are reading a recipe to make dinner. That is the tone you should use when giving directions. If it feels like your kids do not listen to a calm tone, the problem is likely the consequences that follow that need to be altered, rather than the way you are saying your directions. By being honest and consistent with fair consequences, we can give directions in a calm tone and kids will comply. They just have to see that your response will be consistent each and every time.
Give me your HW right now! (yelling)
I need to review your HW. Please hand it to me. (calm)
It’s way past your bedtime! Get in bed! (yelling)
It’s time for bed. If you want me to read a book, you need to get in bed in the next 10 seconds (calm)*
*if your child does not get in bed within 10 seconds, make sure you do not read a book. This may mean more behavioral issues tonight, but will create longer lasting behaviors in the future, as they see your directions are meaningful.
4. Give context before a direction. Both kids and adults are more inclined to follow a direction if we understand why someone else needs our help. Explanations give context and can help us to consider another person’s perspective and. Explanations also teaches kids not to blindly follow directions without understanding the reasoning behind it. Lastly, explanations often ward off those repetitive “why” questions. While it may feel like your child should know the reason behind some directions, giving them extra context shows you are thinking about their perspective in addition to your own. Explanations are most effective when given as information statements prior to a direction.
Put your jacket on. (no context)
Dad is waiting in the car and it’s cold outside. Put your jacket on. (context)
Bring your dish to the sink. (no context)
I’m in charge of washing dishes tonight. You’re in charge of clearing the table. Please bring your dish to the sink. (context)
5. Be specific. There are certain directions that we give that assume our kids understand a situation in the same way we do. However, kids may interpret a situation differently or may be confused by what you want. Vague directions that often come up are: “be careful” or “watch out” or even repeating a child’s name. By providing a clear behavior when you give a direction, you can ensure that both you and your child understand the expectations.
We’re near the corner. Be careful. (vague)
We’re near the corner. Hold my hand before crossing the street. (specific)
What should you be doing? (vague)
It’s circle time. Sit next to me. (specific)
6. Give directions only when needed. There is often a pull to stay in control of your child’s behavior at all times. When we try to maintain control, we actually lose more control, which can be scary as a parent. Instead, consider when you need to be in the driver’s seat and when your child can lead the way. Play is a great time to let your child feel in control and to remove all parent directions. Challenge yourself to find another way to give your child support or guidance, rather than directing behavior. This may be with an informational statement, a labeled praise, or a choice to do the behavior yourself because it just isn’t worth your time and energy right now. Kids get a lot of directions everyday, so let’s make them count. Remember, you create independent, self-sufficient children without focusing on independence at all times. Parenting is often about choosing your battles!
Put your toys away. (direction)
Grandma will be here soon and the room needs to be clean. The toys go in the closet. (informational statement)
I’m going to start cleaning up before grandma gets here. Thanks for your help! (informational statement; labeled praise)
Giving clear directions is challenging! Start small and practice easy directions first. This will give you success in being fair with expectations and give your child a chance to practice easy listening skills. Pro tip: “Great listening” goes a long way in teaching kids they are capable of following directions and maintaining positive listening behaviors.
