The Power of Praise

Praise is a powerful tool for parenting. It helps your child to learn, feel accepted, and build confidence. It seems simple to just tell your child you are proud of them, but there are actually ways to make your praise more effective. So, let’s make it count whenever we catch our kids being good!

Label your Praise

We often fall into: great, nice, awesome, I like that. These are forms of praise that are unlabeled, or nonspecific. While they add to the general positive feel of your interaction with your child, labeled praise will tell your child exactly what you like and why you are proud. This will increase the chance that your child will engage in the same behavior again, knowing that there is a good chance they will gain your positive attention when they do. Separate from your attention, labeled praise increases your child’s confidence around skills, emphasizing their strengths and capabilities.

Great problem solving!
Thanks for telling me the truth.
I appreciate your help. 

Praise the Process, rather than the Product

While it can be great for your child to get a good grade or build a beautiful tower, these praises are limited with regard to building resilience. We also know that focusing on a child’s intelligence can limit them when they face challenges beyond their set intelligence. Instead, focus on your child’s ability to persevere, stay calm in the face of frustration, or demonstrate patience. By adopting a “growth mindset,”  your language helps show your child that they can develop the skills that currently prove challenging.

I see that is a challenging math problem. Great sticking with it.
Nice staying calm when your tower fell. That can be frustrating and you handled it nicely.
Thanks for giving your brother a chance to go first.

Be Genuine

Especially if praising your child is something new, it will feel awkward. Try to find your own voice in praising your child. Make eye contact, smile, give them a hug or a fist bump. Choose behaviors that are truly important to you so that when you mention them, your child will know you genuinely are proud. Be careful to avoid praising what your child is not doing (ex. “Thanks for not knocking over my water glass.”). This points out a negative behavior that you expect and, in some cases, can instigate your child to do the opposite. Instead, try: “Thanks for being careful with my water glass.”

Notice the Little Things and Extend Them

There are many behaviors that we hope for and expect from our kids. However, just because you want it, doesn’t mean it will happen! Notice the little things that your child is doing that are components of a larger behavior. This will help you to consider what smaller behaviors you can build on to reach that larger goal. When you praise a behavior, kids are more likely to stick with it. Breaking down behaviors can also help you to see how many skills go into a behavior. Often behaviors appear easy, but are actually more complicated, especially for young kids! This also gives you an opportunity to teach if you notice your child does not know how to reach a goal. If your child struggles with waiting their turn and is able to wait for 5 seconds, catch them waiting for 5 seconds a few times to show them they are capable of waiting, before you move on to a more challenging goal of 10 seconds. 

Goal: Sitting at the dinner table during a meal with family
Step 1: I appreciate you sitting in your seat while I brought dinner over.
Step 2: I’m proud you sat in your seat while you ate 5 bites of chicken.
Step 3: Wow! You did awesome staying in your seat and finishing your dinner.
Step 4: I know it’s hard to wait while others are finishing. It was so helpful that you waited 1 extra minute at the table while mommy and daddy ate.
Step 5: Depends what you want for your child. That might be enough!