Keeping your Cool During a Tantrum
When a child has a tantrum, it is often a very stressful, loud, overwhelming event for the parent, child, and those around them. As a parent, it is easy to get frustrated, upset and lose your cool during these big moments. However, becoming angry and yelling is counterproductive. Often times yelling does not minimize the time a child tantrums and raising your voice tends to increase the duration of a tantrum and increases the stress levels for everyone involved, leading to further potential for ruptured relationships. In order to maintain a positive relationship with your child and improve upon tantrum behavior, adults must be able to keep your cool your child cannot.
Well, that’s hard! Often times during big feeling moments, our minds are a mess. We are overwhelmed and stressed. Our bodies go into survival mode and our instincts are often to yell, take something away, and do anything we can to minimize the big feeling or outburst. As parents, there’s an urge to do anything and everything in our power to help our child feel better and to reduce the amount of frustration or noise around us. During these moments, we often may think, “I must get her to stop yelling,” “I have to make him happy, that’s my job,” “I am a bad parent.” However, this results in matching the child’s frustration in the moment, which only creates more noise and further deepens the stress both you and your child are facing.
In order to minimize these big, instinctual reactions when children display big feelings, parents must be proactive and prepared. It’s important to be able to approach big moments being cool, calm, and collected. But how, you may ask…
· Think & Reflect: It’s hard to navigate your thoughts calmly in the moments of a tantrum, so take space afterwards. What were you thinking? Feeling? What did you do? Was it helpful? How so? If your response was helpful in the moment, but you recall yourself yelling, odds are the stress levels were high for both you, your child and those around you. These is a way to help your child during a tantrum without yelling. If you recall yourself yelling, try to identify how you could have gotten your message across calmly. When you are prepared for the tantrum, remaining calm becomes a bit easier.
· Take a deep breathe. Regulate and center yourself. By regulating yourself before responding to your child, you will be better able to handle your child’s big feelings and help them regulate themselves. Deep breathing allows you to reset your mind. Deep breathes help lower blood pressure, improving people’s ability to better face stressful situations. This tip not only benefits you as a parent, but by taking a deep breathe you will be modeling a great coping and calming skill for your child to utilize during tough moments. So, take a slow, deep breathe. In through your nose, out through your mouth, and fill your belly up with all the air in between. Take a moment to refocus and calm down in order to approach your child softly.
· Understand that the tantrum is not your fault. Don’t take it personally. Tantrums are ways children communicate their needs. Is your child hungry, tired, afraid, cold, uncomfortable? Do they think something is unfair? Do they want more attention? By shifting the focus from yourself to your child, you will be a better detective and more equipped to discern what your child is trying to tell you in that moment.
· Remind Yourself: Your child is having a tantrum in front of you because they trust you. They feel safe in front of you and they know you will love them no matter what. Often times we hear, “His teachers always say that he is a gem at school. But when he gets home he loses it.” When your child is at school, they are expected to keep it together all day long. And when they get home, to the place and the people who comfort them most, they may let go. When your child tantrums, they are showing you that they feel comfortable sharing their big, scary feelings with you.
· Talk in a normal tone of voice and simply be present for your child. Let your child know that you are here for them. Tune into what your child is saying, feeling, and doing. The key to tuning in effectively is reflecting your child’s feelings, wants, and expressed needs during that moment. Then extend the reflection to show validation. For instance, if your child is yelling saying that they want their iPad right now, but you said that they can have it after dinner, you can reflect and extend by saying, “You really want your iPad now. Waiting is really hard.” By reflecting, you are showing your child that they are being heard and you are paying attention. By extending on the reflection and explaining that waiting is hard, you are showing your child that they are currently waiting, and validating that it is not easy to do. Often times children need to be reminded that some things in life are hard to do and that is normal, they are not alone. (Bonus: reflecting and extending also helps build your child’s emotional vocabulary, giving them the words to use for future hard moments.)
If you are struggling with keeping your cool and looking for support to help manage behaviors at home, reach out to our team for a consultation call.