Reassurance Seeking vs. Information Seeking: Coping with Uncertainty
Depending on the child’s age, adults are often one of the primary sources of information for kids. Parents provide children and adolescents with a significant amount of information regarding their day including routines and expectations. As adults and parents, it's our job to provide kids with the information they need about the world. Sometimes, when kids come to us they might already have the information they need and are still seeking an answer. During these times, they may be looking to us to help make them feel better about something that feels uncomfortable, despite already knowing what will happen. This is what we call reassurance seeking.
A child looking for support when they are feeling anxious or seeking help in order to feel better isn't necessarily a bad thing. However, reassurance seeking can become problematic when it is excessive or given in the absence of other effective coping skills.
Reassurance seeking most commonly sounds like a child who asks the same question over and over again despite knowing the answer. For example, "What day do I have to go to the doctor?" or "Did you really remember to close my door before you left?" despite several clear, age appropriate conversations about the topic. Another example includes seeking reassurance about regular routines and activities such as, "Are you sure you're picking me up after school?" or "Will you promise to be on time?"
In both of these situations, the child is not looking for information. Rather, the child is looking for an adult to reduce their distress. The problem with providing reassurance is that it may (or may not) make the child feel less distressed temporarily. However, frequently answering worry questions is not a long-term solution and actually serves to maintain the child's low distress tolerance. While providing reassurance is well-intended, it doesn't show the child that they are capable of handling uncertainty and coping with discomfort.
In order to promote confidence that your child can handle their feelings of distress and cope with uncertainty, while recognizing it might be difficult for them, try the following statements during moments of reassurance seeking:
"Remember, we talked about the answer to that question. I know it's hard when I don't tell you again but I know you can push through it"
"What do you think? If X did happen, how could you handle that?"
"It sounds like you're wondering about something we already talked about. I understand you're feeling nervous but I'm confident you can handle this."
Validating for your child that you recognize they are feeling distressed and seeking comfort from you is often an important first step. A child can still feel supported without an adult engaging in reassurance. Validation is then followed by indicating to the child that you are confident they can handle their feelings. This allows the child to gradually increase their own ability to tolerate distress. Praising your child throughout this process also serves to increase their confidence and reinforce the effort they are making!
"I know that was tricky for you and I'm so proud of you for pushing through"
"It was amazing that you came with me even though I didn’t answer you about dogs being at the park"
"Great job only asking me one time before we left. That probably was uncomfortable and you did it anyway."
If it feels like your child is constantly seeking reassurance, reach out to our team for a free consultation call.