Family Accommodation and Anxiety
Parents want the best for their children. They want their kids to be happy and the typical definition of happiness does not include distress. However, what we forget to consider when wanting happiness for kids is that life is hard. Kids will face challenges and those challenges provide opportunities to learn resilience. With resilience comes confidence and an increased chance of happiness as kids learn that life is what we make it. Now consider this all when you think about your anxious child. Suddenly, happiness becomes somewhat harder to achieve.
When considering a parent’s role in this cycle, especially within the context of an anxious child, we have to understand the role of “accommodation.” Accommodation is any change a parent makes to their own behavior to help kids avoid or lessen anxiety. Typically, these changes come from a caring and loving place, one where parents don’t want their kids to be distressed. In actuality, accommodation often shows kids that they cannot face their anxieties and they need others to step in to fix their problems. To figure out if accommodation plays a meaningful role in your family, ask yourself a few questions:
1. Do I participate in anxiety-driven behavior?
You may be an anxiety participant if your child experiences anxiety and you actively engage in behaviors to make them more comfortable. Maybe you sleep with your child who “cannot” sleep alone or clean the microwave until it sparkles before your child’s food is placed inside. Maybe you join your child at school when they are afraid to attend alone. Often, participation in anxiety-driven behaviors results in problems for caregivers, as it impedes other responsibilities. This may mean showing up for work late, taking a leave of absence, or giving up time for self-care or social gatherings to make sure you are available for your child.
2. Do I modify my routine or schedule because of my child’s anxiety?
You may be modifying family routines and schedules if you change patterns of your daily life because of your child’s anxiety. Modifications tend to impact more than just caregiver and child, but also siblings, extended family members, and friends. Modifications may be avoiding family vacations because of a child’s fear of flying or skipping date nights so a child is never home without a parent. Often, these modifications feel “normal” because they have gone on for so long.
3. Are my accommodation behaviors healthy or unhealthy?
Some level of accommodation is absolutely normal. In fact, kids need parent support to learn the skills to be independent. Finding a balance between healthy and unhealthy or helpful and unhelpful accommodation is often the trickiest part. Consider how many hours a day you spend focused on relieving your child’s anxiety. Then, ask yourself if it takes away from other responsibilities and interests. Does it feel like your child’s anxiety takes over most of the day? Raising children is time-consuming and changes your life, but take a moment to compare the time you spend helping one child in your family versus another. Do you spend significantly more time helping one child than the other? What if your child was not anxious, would you put forth as much time to helping them? If the answer to these questions is a resounding yes, you may be accommodating “too much” or in an unhealthy manner.
If you have realized you are accommodating your child’s anxiety in an unhealthy or unhelpful way, that is OK! You are taking the first step to making a change. Now, we need to change our mindset from one of “saving” your child to one of “supporting” your child. In essence, rather than convincing kids that anxiety can dissipate and there is nothing to worry about, we want them to see that anxiety is part of life. Anxiety helps us to gauge danger and sometimes it is normal to feel anxiety. It helps us every day. The key is: kids need to know that they can cope with anxiety when it shows up. That is where we start to shift the cycle from accommodating to supporting our children. The truth is, the shift starts with parents so that kids can find the safety, security, and trust to know that they can effectively face their anxiety, despite the discomfort that comes along with it.
If you are interested in learning more about family accommodation in anxiety and think you may need support to make meaningful changes, reach out to our clinicians for additional information. This approach comes directly from Eli Lebowitz’s SPACE Program (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions) and our clinicians can guide you in how to get started.
