Problem Solving: When Big Feelings Get in the Way

When we’re feeling calm, our ability to problem solve is intact and at its greatest capacity, but consider what happens to your ability to effectively think through solutions after your boss does something frustrating. Most likely, you’ve learned to successfully integrate your “thinking brain” and your “emotion brain” in a way that allows you to continue to problem solve in these moments. Kids typically haven’t yet mastered this regulatory capability.  We have to help our kids learn to effectively integrate their “thinking brain” and their “emotion brain” when they’re experiencing big feelings. 

Our brains are divided into two hemispheres: the left brain and the right brain. The left brain controls language and logic (among other things) while the right brain is involved in functions we consider more emotional or intuitive. Children tend to depend on their right brain as they develop. This reliance on the right brain is frequently the reason your child is upset about something silly that feels like it shouldn’t matter. 

As caregivers, we tend to jump right into problem solving mode in these moments. Problem solving is inherently logical and driven by the left brain. Problem solving is also frequently the most effective way to approach situations that are out of our control and a skill we want to teach our children. The challenge is that the left side of our brain, or our “thinking brain,” and the right side of our brain, or our “emotion brain” aren’t always great at communicating with each other, especially when we’re young. 

When our “emotion brain” is at work, it can be hard to access all the great problem-solving skills our “thinking brain” has stored away. This can present as the child who has been told he isn’t supposed to kick his sister and has even practiced what he can do instead when he is angry, but still kicks his sister every time they get in an argument or the kiddo who wanted spaghetti for dinner again tonight and cannot be calmed through their tears and screams after she sees pizza on the table. 

Understandably, our actions in these moments tend to be very logical and solution based: “Why did you kick your sister?”, “Use your inside voice,” or “If you stop crying, we can have spaghetti tomorrow.” When a child’s “emotion brain” takes over, it is not always helpful to provide appropriate behavior reminders. Instead, try to help them process the emotions first. Then, they may be able to consider the consequences of their actions, or brainstorm solutions. We can’t get a dysregulated child to begin effectively integrating their left brain, or “thinking brain”, again until they are re-regulated. Re-regulation starts with understanding and acceptance of emotional experiences. 

What we can do in these moments:

 1. Validate, connect, and wait: Let your child know that you hear how they’re feeling in that moment. 

“Wow it sounds like you’re really mad right now and that’s okay.”

Rather than following this validation with a logical problem-solving strategy the child may not be available to process yet, try taking a few moments to let them cool off or calm down before jumping into solutions. Once the thinking brain starts to kick back in, problem-solving can begin.

“I feel sad when I have to say bye to my friends too.” Followed by hugging and sitting with the screaming child who didn’t want to say goodbye to their friend rather than immediately offering a suggestion that might distract them.

Although it may take time, it is important to wait until the child is ready to reintegrate the right brain and their left brain again rather than trying to get them through the big emotion as quickly as possible. 

2. Reflect during a calm moment.
It is important to come back to the events that occurred while a child was experiencing big, uncontrollable emotions. After all, we want them to learn how to manage their big feelings! The key is to reflect on these moments when the child can effectively utilize their left brain. One example that tends to work well for some families is around bedtime when everyone is winding down.

This could sound like: “You know earlier today it looked like you were really frustrated with me because you couldn’t play on the iPad. I get annoyed when I can’t do things I want to do too. We’ve talked about strategies we can use when we’re feeling frustrated, and I noticed we weren’t able to use one today… Let’s come up with one to try next time.”

Problem-solving is a great strategy and we want children to use their problem-solving abilities to regulate their emotions but sometimes they’re not ready to jump into problem solving mode as quickly as we’d like them to be. Just like a muscle, we can train our brains and the more we practice integrating our left brain and our right brain, the better we get at it!

If you are concerned about your child’s ability to regulate emotions, reach out to our team for support.