Shifting the Script: Power Struggles with your Toddler

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Power struggles with children can emerge for a variety of reasons, including getting dressed in the morning, finishing the last bite of food, turning off the iPad for the night, amongst many others, as parents are painfully aware. These willful and increasingly autonomous moments are a normal part of development and typically begin around age two. When parents are confronted with navigating a newly willful toddler, they are forced to make tricky split second decisions as to how to manage a behavior, tantrum or big emotion. Oftentimes, these moments are emotionally trying for parents, and techniques such as bribing or yelling naturally occur in an effort to increase compliance. These types of strategies unfortunately do not lead to better compliance and typically result in parents feeling helpless in their ability to manage their child’s behaviors and feelings. Fortunately, there are effective strategies to help end power struggles with your child, many of which can be simple changes in the way the parent views the child’s behavior. Here are powerful tips and mindset shifts to help increase cooperation and communication with your toddler to help end power struggles.


Mindset Shifts

• Is it a defiant moment or a skill deficit? 

  Children typically are not purposefully misbehaving - the demand we are placing on our child may not be equal to their ability. This is extremely important to remember, as it’s easy to slip into believing children are intentionally trying to cause harm, making it easier to turn to punitive punishment and fall into parenting tendencies that are largely ineffective, such as yelling. Even when a child throws a toy, or hits, they typically are not being intentionally harmful, it’s much more likely they are lacking the specific skill of managing their emotions. In the times when your child is behaving in a way that you feel is unacceptable, such as throwing a toy, try your best to shift your mindset away from thinking their motive is to cause harm, but rather that they do not currently have the skills to manage their emotions. Then, modeling the appropriate emotional reaction becomes incredibly effective and a great teaching experience. This may sound like: “You look like you’re frustrated. When I’m frustrated, I take a deep breath like this.”

• Does minimizing and cheerleading your child into compliance really work? 

  It’s extremely easy to fall into this trap as a parent. When your child wakes up for school and becomes upset that they do not want to go, parents typically and automatically begin with, “You’re going to have so much fun at school, there’s such a big playground there, so many toys, you’re going to love it!” In this instance, we are trying our best to cheerlead children into changing their feelings. However, by doing this we are inadvertently minimizing their concerns about school which often makes children amplify their emotions. Instead, validate your child’s feelings. For the school scenario, it’s effective to put words to their concerns, such as, “Starting school can be really scary, especially since you’re getting to know a new teacher and have new classmates. I understand the feeling of being scared.” Validating your child’s emotions overtime will lead to your child being able to identify and express their concerns.
  
  

Strategies to regulate power struggles:

• Remain Calm: By raising your voice in moments of defiance or crisis, your child learns over time that yelling is when you mean business. Eventually, this leads to your child listening either only when or mainly when you yell. Since most parents would prefer their child compiled after the first or second time they’ve told them to complete a task, remaining calm and keeping a normal speaking tone will prevent future yelling episodes.

• Tell your child what you want them to do: It’s natural for individuals to name what someone is doing wrong in the moment. These tendencies easily spill over into parenting, and it’s extremely common for parents to point out what a child is doing wrong in order to stop a certain behavior and increase another. However this strategy is often ineffective. Instead, set your child up for greater success if you tell them what you’d like them to do. Every time your child complies with what you have told them to do, provide them with a specific praise for listening or following through. 

For example, if your child is having a hard time keeping their hands to themselves, say,  “Please keep your hands to yourself” instead of, “Don’t hit.” Once you say, “Please keep your hands to yourself”  and your child complies, immediately praise them for keeping their hands or themselves or listening, “Thank you for keeping your hands to yourself, you’re a great listener.” 

• Explain your reason for a demand:  Explaining why you are asking them to complete a task, such as sitting for dinner, getting dressed for school, or turning off the iPad for the night. This provides context for a child when you are asking them to do something. Explanations give clarity and genuity to expectations that feel hard to accept without understanding. It also prevents the “why” questions that follow because you already provided the context.

For example, say, “I want us to eat dinner as a family, please sit at the table.” 

If you are feeling like you are constantly living in a power struggle at home, reach out to our team for a complimentary consultation call.