Losing Your Cool: How to Emotionally Repair with your Child

As people, we are all going to lose our cool from time to time. As parents, you are tested even further. There will be a million dirty diapers, hours of HW to complete, your own work responsibilities, and getting dinner on the table by 6PM. That’s just the beginning of the list! The truth is: being a parent is hard and some moments are more challenging than others. You will have many moments you are proud of and some that make you cringe. When you feel that disdain and disappointment in your own actions, what should you do?

1. Find space for yourself
   Unless you calm yourself, the situation will continue to escalate. Calming yourself may mean using breathing strategies to slow your body down, splashing water on your face, or going to another room to cool off. Being the best parent can mean telling your kids: “I’m feeling frustrated. I need a minute to cool off until I can help you solve this problem. I’ll be in the bathroom until I’m ready to help.” If you can’t say this calmly, you may want to invest in a recording button (option in link below). Record yourself saying: “I need a minute to calm myself” and hit the button before stepping into the next room to do just that. By clicking that button, you can help yourself and your family reset.
   
   https://www.amazon.com/Neutral-Record-Talking-Button-Black/dp/B073S3BKN6/ref=sr_1_6?dchild=1&keywords=Recordable+Button&qid=1608132912&sr=8-6
   

2. Apologize for your actions
   Your child probably tried to push you over the edge and clicked every button they knew would result in more screen time. Even if that’s true, you can still model an apology because your behavior was not right either. Let your child know: I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier. I was feeling frustrated and I let my emotions take over and I was wrong. Next time I will do my best to help us solve the problem calmly. I’m working on that.” These are some of the best opportunities to teach your child how to give a genuine apology and goes hand-in-hand with revisiting the experience.
   

3. Be transparent with your kids
   Revisit the experience with your child once you are all calm. This may be 5 minutes later, 1 hour later, or even a day later. Recognize your flaws, how your child may have felt, and what you would do better next time. Maybe they can help you problem-solve what to do differently next time. By revisiting the experience, you give you and your child space to communicate and emphasize family teamwork. It also gives you space to validate your child’s feelings and experiences. Maybe they were struggling with something you didn’t even realize! The whole idea of revisiting a past negative experience often feels scary, overwhelming, and may seem pointless. However, without revisiting these experiences, we cannot learn how to move forward more effectively.
   

4. Make a plan for next time
   Part of growing as a parent is recognizing how you can handle the situation better next time. There will always be another opportunity to practice staying calm, but we need to recognize what made it so hard and try to work through it. Maybe next time you can remove yourself from the situation 30 seconds earlier or maybe taking a break from telling your child what to do will give you enough of a moment to cool off before continuing. Consider where you went wrong to help you change for the next time. Remember, part of parenting is trial-and-error, so if your new plan doesn’t quite work, you will have another opportunity to try again.
   

5. Give yourself some slack
   We all have those moments – it’s part of being human! Remind yourself that being a parent requires learning and that learning is a process of trial-and-error. Nothing you do in one particular moment will change your child for life. This experience gives you an opportunity to adjust your approach for the future in a way that will work better for you and your family. Be kind and sensitive to yourself, just as you would to a friend.  
   

If you feel like you are losing your cool too often or if it seems like big feelings are taking a toll on your family, reach out to us for professional support.