Navigating Big Feelings Together

Kids are going to have big feelings. They begin in those early toddler years when they are just starting to understand the world around them and don’t yet have language to capture their experiences. As children grow older, they start to yearn independence, yet they also want us want comfort and security to know they are safe. Whether they want to admit it or not, they still need so much help. Growing and developing is overwhelming, frustrating, and confusing for kids and parents alike, so how can you get through those tough moments together?

1. Label Emotions: For your child to truly understand their feelings and how to navigate those feelings, they need to first know what they are. We are the best teachers to help guide our kiddos to understand themselves and the world around them. If you see your child experiencing a big feeling, label it. This will not only make your child feel validated, but will help your child form a language base to describe their own experiences. However, be mindful that not all children can tolerate labeled emotions. If you notice that your labeling is leading to bigger feelings, stay away from labeling those emotions until your child is a bit calmer. If they correct you and say they’re not feeling a particular emotion, repeat it back to your child to let them know you understand.
   
   Try this:
   “I see you’re sad that your toy fell.”
   “It is frustrating when you can’t reach.”
   “You’re upset that we’re leaving.”
   
   Or this:
   Parent:“You’re annoyed you have to do homework.”
   Child: “I’m not annoyed! Don’t put words in my mouth!”
   Parent: “You’re not annoyed. Ok, my mistake.”
   

2. Show your Support: Telling your child you are there for them provides them with the comfort and the confidence to face tough moments. While you may think being nearby is enough, physical touch and actually saying you are there can also go a long way. Remember, our little ones need very simplistic and clear expectations to guide them. For our kids who can’t share their feelings and might not be able to tolerate a parent labeling emotions, staying nearby shows that their reactions cannot push you away. Just be mindful to be close without hovering.
   
   Try this:
   “Mommy is here for you.”
   “You’re ok. Daddy’s got you.”
   “I’ve got you. You’re ok.”
   

3. Listen, Don’t Fix: As a parent, we often feel like we have to fix problems for our kids. In actuality, if we fix all of their problems, they will feel able to solve problems independently and if they don’t have practice, our kids may not actually know how to solve those problems independently. There are also many problems that we cannot fix for our kids and they will just have to tolerate the uncomfortable. Despite this, we want to make sure to validate their experience. Then wait, see if they can solve the problem. If we never give the chance, we’ll never know.
   
   Try this:
   “It’s tough when plans change. What do you think we should do to help you handle it?”
   “This doesn’t feel good to you. I’m here to help if you have any ideas.”
   “This feels uncomfortable for you. I get it. I feel uncomfortable too.”
   

4. Model Calmness: The way you communicate is more than what you say, it’s what you do.  By speaking in a calm tone, providing comfort through a back rub or a little hug, or moving in slowly to help your child solve a problem, you can provide a sense of safety and security. The way you interact can communicate that all will be ok and that you support your child, even if they are having a hard time. This may mean sharing a supportive statement or shifting your attention to something else to show that you will not engage in unhelpful behaviors.
   
   Try this:
   Give your child a soft cuddle.
   Rub your child’s back to comfort.
   “I’ll be in the other room when you’re ready to talk.”
   “I can either stay with you or go to the other room. Let me know what would help you most.”
   

5. Use Redirection: We don’t want to distract from all feelings, but once you have validated your child’s emotions and provided some comfort, it can be helpful to provide redirection. This gives your child an opportunity to calm and provides you with an opportunity to notice their resilience after a big feeling. Redirection can be a helpful tool to calm, but it is very important to return to the overwhelming task so we do not reinforce avoidance. Otherwise, kids will repeatedly use big emotions to get out of unwanted responsibilities. They’re smart kids after all!
   
   Try this:
   “Homework is feeling too hard right now. Let’s take a break and come back to it in a few minutes when we’re ready.”
   “I can see we’re having a tough time cleaning up. I’ll set a timer for 5 minutes and you can do whatever you want to calm down in that time. When we hear the timer, it’s time to clean again.”
   

6. Support Yourself: While some children struggle more with big feelings, all children have them. It is a part of development that is typical. However, it doesn’t make those moments any easier as a parent, especially on the days when it feels like you’re switching from one big feeling to another. Remember, you’ve gotten through these moments before and there are so many more positive moments in your future. Part of parenting is learning through trial and error and recognizing that your child is doing the same. So take a few deep breaths and be kind to yourself. Try your best to be calm and if you struggle this time around, you can always try again the next time.
   
   Try these self-statements:
   “I am doing my best and I can get through this.”
   “This is a tough moment, I am figuring it out and I can cope with this.”
   “I am a good parent and I am learning as I go.”