Positive Opposites: Guiding Child Behavior Effectively

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May 10

Written By Carly Mayer

Imagine this: Your child is running around the kitchen table, rather than sitting down for dinner. You tell them to “stop running” and they start doing jumping jacks around the table. It is definitely not what you were hoping for, but your child actually did follow your directions. They stopped running! How can you handle this better next time?

When we are faced with behavioral challenges, it is easy to see the problem, but it is much harder to see the solution. Because we see a glaring problem, we might yell “stop!” or “don’t!” to get our child to change their behavior. The truth is: we want them to stop, but we really want our kids to show a more positive behavior. So, if we tell them to stop, they could choose from a handful of other behaviors that may not be what we are looking for either.

We often assume that children know the correct behavior and expect them to do so. When they don’t, we point it out and expect them to switch to the “right” thing. That switch requires them to identify what they are doing wrong, know how to fix it, and then engage in the correct behavior, all before they get more negative feedback. While these steps may seem automatic to an adult, they are challenging and require learning. The obstacle for many parents is to take a step back to teach, rather than reprimand. We want to share what we are looking for, rather than what we want them to stop. In other words: give them something to do, rather than what not to do.

When your child engages in a negative behavior, challenge yourself to identify what you are looking for instead and make sure you communicate it to your child. Below are a few tips for everyday behaviors. Keep in mind, the positive opposite may be a 1:1 opposite behavior or it may just be a positive behavior that cannot occur at the same time as the undesired behavior. For example, if your child is sitting in their chair, they cannot be running around the kitchen during dinner.